The Article I wrote when I was 19
This article is dedicate to my 19 year old self: Thank you for investing such time and effort to grow and to learn through reading books and learning from the broth of your experience every single day. Your mind is brilliant and amazing. May you continue to live life going beyond yourself and always doing what you love. Cheers to the woman that you’ll become! I hope she’s happy and traveling somewhere around the world.
YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST.
Whether you like it or else, every single day that goes by is now a part of our history, even the time that I am spending right now to write this article is now a part of my history. This is where life gets really tricky. We spend so much time on mourning, grieving, being upset and angry of what has been done and holding back to the things that were not meant to be and we tend to forget that these habits of ours has been stealing the time that we’re supposedly spending on things that is more valuable, the things that was supposedly will help us to move forward and will make us the best version of ourselves.
True enough that losing something really precious or being humiliated in front of many people or being cheated on, or being to blame for something you haven’t done is not that easy to get over but it is our responsibility to make an effort on how we can get this over, little by little.
I have experienced so many tragic things in my life like losing my father at a very young age, being betrayed and cheated on, being humiliated in front of everyone, putting the blame on me for the things that I haven’t done and if I will enumerate it one by one, this lists won’t be over. I used to cry and over-think every night, I used to have panic attacks, I used to be so conscious with what I’m doing, I used to fake my happiness every time I went out on the four corners of my room, I used to blame people why I have trust issues and why my life suck because of what they have done to me when in fact it was me who was responsible for everything. I am responsible for why people treated me like that, I am responsible for every emotion and on how I react to certain situations, I am responsible for every single thing simply because it is my life and I am the manager of it.
I hope this article will somehow help you to let go of every heavy baggage that you carry within you and it will somehow serve as an eye opener for you to see things in a different perspective.
1. Denial blocks our way in moving forward.
I remember when I had a mutual understanding with a guy and sadly the relationship didn’t work out because we both know that we weren’t ready to enter a relationship yet because of some unfinished business with our past. Sure, we really had good times we’re we felt that nothing can separate us and that we’re together against all odds but sadly, we didn’t. After the closure, I did things that “looks” happy and what makes me “look” happy because I want to portray that I am happy despite of what happened. I denied being sad, I denied that I miss someone, I denied being hurt and I refuse to look hurt in front of everyone because I used to think that I just need to “conceal it, don’t feel it, don’t let it show” (like how Elsa was taught by his father on how to hide her power) but that wasn’t really a good remedy. I used to think that being strong is all about hiding your fragile state and make it look like everything is fine when in fact everything was falling apart on the inside.
I am happy on the outside but when I enter my room it’s a whole new world of sadness that eats me up over and over again. I over-think, I lost my peace of mind, I got conscious of my actions and my surroundings, I get hurt easily when a simple things reminded me of him, I felt a little sting in my chest when I hear a song that he used to sing to me, I feel hurt simply because I am hurt and I am angry at myself for feeling that way and I still chose to deny it instead of taking the responsibility in enduring it, change my ways and get over it.
Denial is a lie that you tell yourself. Denial is a disease that can get worsen and will make you paralyzed. Denial is a crime that you can make a victim out of yourself. Denial is like a prison and you’re the one who put yourself behind bars.
BUT, WHAT CAN WE DO TO CHANGE IT AND MOVE FORWARD?
Being true to yourself and how you feel. It is the first step in unlocking all the chains that holds you back. It’s okay to cry, to show how vulnerable you are, how fragile and how sad or hurt you are, I mean, aren’t we all?
I spent days grieving and being sad about some things that I cannot change, until I realize that it wasn’t really worth being sad for and I am able to change my current state if I want to. The choice is after all, in my hands. I spent days denying how I feel just to hide how weak I am, until I realize that when I am at my weakest that’s the time when I am at my strongest. I spent days blaming someone for my trust issues and fail every relationship, until I realize that I was really the problem because I still have some unsolved “trust” issues and for having some “everyone that we came across in this life have the same intention of hurting us, it’s very possible.” kind of mindset. I spent days self-pitying and thinking about how much of a victim I am, until I realize that I am the only one who’s making myself a victim when in fact I am very able to change my ways, my perspective, be true to myself and finally be a victor of every circumstances that life has to offer.
You see denial doesn’t really helps. It just somehow makes things okay and easy at first but in the long run it just makes things more difficult for us. We should always keep in mind that it’s always important to be honest, especially to ourselves.
The Healing Process
No one has the power to heal you but yourself and It is important to feel the pain. It is important to endure it. It is important to get through it. As one of my favorite author, Mark Manson, have said in one of his book “And to deny that pain is to deny our own potential. Just as one must suffer physical pain to build stronger bone and muscles, one must suffer emotional pain to develop greater emotional resilience, a stronger sense of self, increased compassion, and a generally happier life.”
Sometimes, instead of trusting the healing process itself, we’re just too impatient and we already want to jump in the end of the healing process that we have to fake our happiness, deny the pain and pretend that we’re happy despite of the sadness that we really felt inside but life doesn’t work that way. It’s okay cry if you need to, pour it all out. It is okay to suffer because suffering is a part of the process itself. If you want to get over it, you have to endure it.
Acceptance is the key to get out of your own “denial” jail. Just because bad things happen doesn’t mean you have to dwell on them. Accept how things happened, why it happened and why it didn’t work out. Sometimes we cling more on what is not meant to be because we love to make the simple things in life more difficult or we just got addicted to the drama that’s why we refuse to accept the fact that it was all over and we end up fooling ourselves.
Life is really inevitable, we have no control on what’s going to happen next. I lost my father when I was 18 years old, It wasn’t that easy on the first few months and I realize that If I’ll refuse to accept what happened I will just make it hard for myself, well in fact it is still hard and the pain of losing him doesn’t really go away, I still cry every time I hear our songs but it was manageable now. It’s because I already accepted the fact that he is gone physically and that his time in this world is over, and that is what pushes me to move forward and still continue to make him proud and continue with my life until we meet again.
Let go, little by little. No one gets over a tragic experience overnight. Letting things go is just the same as love, it is not just something that happens, it is a hard work.
Indeed attachment is the root of all sufferings and if we want to get over at something we have to detach ourselves on what was hurting us one day at a time. You have to slowly let go of what hurts you, you have to slowly endure the pain that stings in your chest until you care no more. You have to make an effort to change your ways and discover new things that will catch your interests. You have to slowly divert your attention on something fun, something you’ll have to learn from, something that will help you grow as an individual and something that will make you happy. A little progress is still a progress, what is important is that we learn from the process of it and we finally move forward.
Invest on something that will help you grow as an individual. As we let go of all the pain, it is also the time that we have to invest more on ourselves. Investing on yourself doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to go shopping, get your hair done, or any beauty stuff, well it is a part of it but the best and very effective and the most helpful investment that you’ll give yourself is learning new things, may it be through reading a book or experiencing things yourself. Put yourself out there and reflect. Learning doesn’t need to be expensive.
In my case since I love reading, I invested on a good self-help and testimonial books that helps me grow as an individual because you know that it’s real that some things really happens in people’s lives that will taught you a lesson. There’s so many books out there that can address the issues that you have within yourself than can help you to overcome it. May it be with forgiveness, depression, you name it. It will help you to perceive that pain and struggles isn’t a bad thing at all, that it has a beauty in it.
Investing on yourself is a way of gaining what you have been lost. It is doing more of what makes you happy and makes your soul at ease. It will help you gain back your peace of mind and to finally let go and to heal all the brokenness inside you.
Humility starts when you start to own up and take responsibility of everything that’s happening in your life. Let’s quit the blame game and move forward.
Disclaimer: I don’t have a degree in psychology or behavioral science. This article was freely written by my 19 year old self based from her own experience and I hope you’ve learn a thing or two from this post. Tell me your thoughts and insights in the comment box below! I would love to hear them.